Getting personal: First blog post in 2014

Hello 2014, hello blog and hello you. It’s been one hell of a long time since I write and I’m running out of excuse on what’s my excuse this time on being absence for so long. I guess that’s my habit, I just leave when I’m uninterested.  I live my life, dealing with the real world and leaving my blog behind, untouched. Then I start to miss it, because I realize I’ve been keeping so many things inside while I usually share it with you. So here it is, my first blog post in 2014. Hoping that you will still care about my ramblings, what am I up to, what’s my plan, because in the end my blog is me. One of my resolutions this year is to be more personal with you, I’ve been in the online world for so long and maybe you’ve been following me for that long and I guess it’s time to open up. For you who just “met” me, well then Hello my name is Harumi and I’m a beauty blogger who’s about to get very personal to my followers.

When I decide to write this blog post I know that I’m not going to write about beauty and for some of you this may be boring because you’d expect me to review a foundation or share my latest skincare routine. Well you know what, there will always be time for that but for this suffocation inside me there is no other time to exhale other than now. To bluntly describe my feeling is that I feel like I have reached everything yet I feel emptier than ever. Have you ever feel like that? What does this mean? Is it just me being dramatic, have I not be thankful enough, did I miss anything? What is it??? Honestly I am hoping that this inevitable galau would go away and I’ll find the answer soon enough. If I do find it, I believe it’s also finding myself and knowing where I want to go.

Looking back at 2013, I feel like I pushed myself so hard. I took every single job that came knocking at my door (in this my case, my email) and just spend the shit out of everything I earned. Then after a long day of photo shoot when I took off my false eyelashes, wipe off the foundation and tucked into my bed. I was still wide-awake, I thought… My day was so glamorous, it was everything that I dreamt of yet I feel so ordinary because it has become like a pattern, less exciting. I feel like I’ve lost the purpose of why I am where I am now. So towards the end of the year, it build up on me and in my head I never stop thinking. I was creating, comparing, strategizing ideas for myself and my work. I did everything but execute them. Then in the midst of my “busy-ness” within myself I decided to take a holiday and took a long awaited holiday to the US.

US trip was crazy that’s all I can say. It was the manifestation of my dream and it was truly a holiday because I didn’t check my email at all, I didn’t tweet, I didn’t blog obviously. The only thing that kept me connected to you guys was Instagram. It was probably the most selfish trip that I took because I didn’t care for anyone other than myself. It was so hedonistic that sometimes when I look back I couldn’t believe that I partied myself everyday towards the New Year. Literally. Then like any other party, you would wakeup finding yourself in a huge hangover and I feel that THAT hangover is still clinging to me and I have to drink a glass of Alka Seltzer ASAP!

It’s the second week of the New Year and I’m still hung over, my new year’s resolution are scattered around my brain, my unfinished ideas still haven’t been jot down into notes. I still haven’t executed anything. It’s been almost an hour since I first typed the first word in this blog post and I realize. Harumi, you have to get your shit together. I’ve worked way too hard to be where I am now, I’ve shut down so many negativity just so I can continue what I’m doing and never listen to anyone’s doubts because I, Harumi Sudradjat, have made my dream come true and I am not going to stop because I know I can and the only thing that keeps me away from reaching higher is myself.

Tears are falling down my cheeks as I type. I’m so glad I write this blog, I’m so glad I shared this with you. I’m okay now, tomorrow’s a new day and I don’t know if I’ll finish things on time but I know I’ll finish it and I wont look back or stop. I’m not sure if there’s any of you who are in the midst of soul searching like I am but if you are then always remember the old saying that we are who we think we are and we can always choose any day to be a good day. Don’t give up. It’s a crazy world out there and we have the chance to live it, so live it good.

Love,

HS